We all get lonely sometimes.
And we have been experiencing a loneliness epidemic in recent years. In one study, 25% of Indians reported that they didn’t have anyone that they could confide in. Modern society has disconnected us from our traditional way of being: immersed in constant close connection with friends, family, and neighbors.
Loneliness can be devastating. Feeling lonely is associated with a greater risk of depression and can have a significant impact on our physical health. One study found that loneliness is more physically dangerous than obesity and as dangerous as smoking.
When we think of loneliness, there are a few stereotypical images that come to mind: someone who is shy, someone who is isolated, an elderly person who lives alone. But studies have found that loneliness doesn’t result from living alone, being single, being elderly, or having poor social skills. Loneliness is a state of being that arises in tandem with real-life challenges: lonely people are significantly more likely to be experiencing very real struggles like medical issues, depression, or unemployment. What’s more, they feel that they are facing these challenges alone. No one is ‘in it’ with them to help carry the weight or to bear witness to their suffering.
Another way to think about loneliness is that it results from not getting the connection that we need. One of the leading researchers in loneliness, argued that loneliness is like the hunger cue for social support. Our stomachs growl with hunger when they need food. Our hearts growl with loneliness when they need connection.
If your heart is growling, here are three science-backed tools you can use to nourish your need for social connection.
Look for belonging cues
As the brain experiences prolonged loneliness, it moves into a state of self-preservation where it is simply trying to survive. It powers down the impulses to reach out, to connect, and to be empathetic (the very actions that we need to move past loneliness) in order to focus on surviving and fulfilling one’s acute needs. To overcome this unhelpful impulse, we have to train our brains to look for the belonging cues that help us to feel safe and connected. In every interaction, look for these cues — eye contact, outreach, questions, vulnerability, being invited to share your perspective. These are signs that you are connected, valued, and welcomed. In paying a bit more attention to them, you can move your brain out of this state of self-preservation and into a state of connection.
Offer your help to someone else
Another way to shift your brain out of a self-preservation state is to reach out to support someone else. If you’re feeling anxious or nervous about reaching out to someone, this is also a low-risk, high-impact way to do it. Send a message to someone and ask how they are and if they need any support. You can also participate in an already-established network, like your local Mutual Aid group or an online community.
Deepen your positive relationships
Often, loneliness can arise when we are surrounded by other people, even people that we love and cherish. In those moments, we are craving a deeper form of social connection that we are not receiving. Try to dig deeper with the existing people in your life by consciously inviting in more vulnerability to your relationship. One of the major barriers to more vulnerability is simply not knowing how to do it, but psychologists have discovered that it is possible to generate greater closeness through the questions that we ask one another. A few of our favorite questions are:
What do you think your greatest strength is?
What is the nicest compliment you’ve ever received?
What’s something you wish people knew about you?
What would you do if money was no object?
What is one of the best lessons you have ever learned?
When did you most surprise yourself recently?
What matters most to you?
You could also try the famous 36 Questions or a game like We’re Not Really Strangers.
And if you’re not lonely right now…
You have an opportunity to make a real difference in other people’s lives. Consider: who in your life is going through a major challenge right now? This person is at higher risk for loneliness. A quick text message or call might make all of the difference.
With a little bit of courage and effort, we can show up for one another and help to reduce the loneliness epidemic, one person at a time.
Tips from a few New Happy community members
We asked our community what they do when loneliness strikes. Here are a few of their suggestions.
Feel the feelings:
“Allow myself to deeply feeling the feeling first”
“Acknowledge it, and remind myself that it is okay to feel lonely”
“Keep the phone away and try to feel the loneliness first”
Spend time with pets:
“Pet my kittens”
“Talk to my dog”
“Go for a walk with my dog and listen to music”
Get out of the house:
“Listen to a good podcast while going for a walk”
“Go on a hike!”
“Take a drive and enjoy the scenery, let myself be immersed in something else”
“Nature is the best friend a human can have”
Focus on being my own best friend:
“Invest in myself by learning new hobbies, like pasta making!”
“Spend time with myself, rather than others: exercise, self-care, a little shopping, whatever!”
“Write songs on my guitar”
“Listen to music or Broadway shows”
“Have fun with myself and do the things I enjoy!”
WHEN YOU SHOULD SEEK HELP
Seeking the help of a therapist can provide you with methods and techniques to deal with loneliness. If you are dealing with grief and overwhelming loneliness, you can always talk to Lotus Wellness Rehab
How to Find a Therapist?
Finding a therapist who meets your requirements is a vital part of achieving successful healing. This involves examining their skills, specific areas of focus, years of practice, and other relevant factors. Alongside their qualifications, it is essential to evaluate the level of comfort and connection you have with your therapist. A positive rapport ensures a smoother path to coping. Therefore, it is completely normal to switch therapists until you discover the ideal match.